QuestLog 2.0

Stardate Supplemental

10:58 – My thesis desk mate has left a copy of this week’s Quest on our desk. I’ve already looked through it, but haven’t gotten to the log yet because of that thing… you know… the thesis. But I’ve discovered that if you fold the Quest just right, it makes a great trey for mixed nuts. I don’t intend to lose another cashew to the library floor.

4:32 (a.m.) – Cherry blossoms. Probably my second favorite thing about Reed in the springtime (after that last weekend in April). A biology major once told me that those trees are actually plum trees with cherry branches grafted onto the trunks. I don’t even know what a “branch” is, so I think I’ll take her word for it.

4:35 – Apparently, last Tuesday was February 27. Alert my adviser that I still have a month to turn in the first draft of my thesis. Or let the editors know that time doesn’t stop… even for them.

4:38 – You need a strong desire and commitment to live in the Co-Op, Dick.

4:39 – Lauren Rother’s dad is a cop. I think she told me this once, and drunkenly threatened to break my arm if I ever “fucked with her shit”. I tried to ask her what she was talking about but she had already launched into a forty minute tirade about her thesis, chain-smoking, and the honor principle. Rock, Lauren.

4:42 – I missed the sex toys presentation. A little bit scared at the mention of sex toys and snacks in the same breath (plus the implied presence of other Reedies… talking about their sex toys). A wise choice to pass on this one.

4:46 – A rather informative article on how I can avoid procrastinating by using a program that won’t let me stray from my writing. I was intrigued and tried to download it, but got distracted by this YouTube video (kind of a Catch 22, isn’t it?): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1VmGjJJFrc.
It turns out that it is indeed possible to be too drunk. Signs include blurred vision, inability to sit on a chair (wow), and falling face first into a wall while being booked for a DUI. Twice.

4:49 – Oh, apparently you should ask Allen Neuringer about variability. And then ask any cognitive psychologist to tell you why he’s wrong.

4:50 – Last issue’s article about someone’s grandfather is upstaged by this week’s article about someone’s great-great grandmother. This week’s article remains just as unread as the last one.

4:53 – Melissa Bobotek makes a smart move and gets out while she still can.

Random note: The coolest thing I saw all week was someone’s clever “grouter space” groutwriting, about a foot above the tile on the men’s urinal down by the mailroom. (I also really liked “just a tile separation”). Yes, my life sucks.
4:56 – Congratulations to the Reedies who made the trip down to Salem over spring break to help pass the Access to Birth Control Act. There’s no way these women had Mario Kart in their attic, or they would have done what I did over break. Ya Hoo!

4:58 – Hey, look at that! They printed my article. It looks about the same as it did on my laptop.

4:59 – Ah, did NOT see that one coming. Don’t I feel like a jackass.

Despite the fact that making fun of me is easier than Intro to Psychology (seriously, get that group requirement out of the way), I have to say that this article was a nice touch. Well played, sir. Or is it ma’am? I’m sorry, “Adrian” is gender ambiguous and when I looked you up on facebook, I found a profile picture of both a man and a woman. Is someone still playing assassin?

By the way, who won that? Shouldn’t the winner be walking around in all black with shades like John Cusack in Grosse Point Blank? Killing someone with a sock isn’t quite stabbing someone in the neck with a pen, but the image is all that matters.

5:03 – Kailyn is going to be bitter. She’s a Reedie. Comes with the territory.

5:04 – Note to self: Being bitter can be encapsulated by typing the word “fuck” in all caps.

5:06 – Nick Silverman made a dick comment about freshmen? I feel like I should say something involving a pot and a kettle, but exactly how to phrase it escapes me at the moment.

Kailyn says that you should go to the senate meetings if you’re looking for “futzing, nit-picking, menial displays of the governing abilities of young adults.” Kailyn, you had me two paragraphs earlier when you mentioned the presence of a large fuzzy bumblebee. Does he speak Spanish like the dude in the Simpsons? If so, I’m there.

5:09 – Emma’s postcard from thesis hell is just an iteration of the bitching she’s been doing to me all semester. I’m right there with ya, Emma. And it’s not as though Lost has been helping us get through it, right? I mean, an entire fucking episode devoted to Hurley and a volkswagon? Shoot me before I watch another episode.

No wait, I want to see how it ends.

No I don’t. Shoot me.

Postcard from Thesis Hell

I always thought that writing my version of Thesis Hell would be unfair to other seniors. This thesis topic seemed to come relatively easily to me, I don’t have to subject myself to experiments or other people in any way (I don’t envy science or psychology majors), and I’ve historically been able to pound out pages when crunch time came around.

Now I sit here two weeks away from a draft deadline wondering where the fuck all the time went. I look back at the last couple semesters and remember writing some thesis on occasion. But mostly I remember intense games of Mario Kart, a disappointing series of Lost episodes, discovering that Jack Bauer’s dad is actually a farmer who once owned a talking pig, and seeing Titus Pullo bite out someone’s tongue (it’s not tv, it’s HBO).

For those of you that don’t know, my thesis advisor is not just hard to get a hold of, he’s in Venice for this entire semester. My lone contact with him was via iChat a month and a half ago: he sat in a London hotel lobby while I tried to look studious and stressed down in the IMC. Last week I churned out a few pages and completed what I thought would be the first draft of my second chapter (don’t rush to congratulations yet, the first chapter is far from finished—I like to go out of order like that). I sent along the draft to my thesis advisor, asking for some feedback, to which he responded, “glad to see this new draft of ch. 2. Looking forward to discussing it and the rest of your thesis in a couple weeks.” Well, thanks for the help.

The most impressive product of my efforts over the last month was a batch of fajitas I made on Friday night (and again on Sunday), the most eloquent writing I’ve seen since February is not on my laptop, but on the walls of the bathroom just mere feet from my thesis desk, and I am seriously contemplating switching my major to ultimate Frisbee. That’s allowed, right? Not to mention how disconcerting it is to see your advisor’s face on your buddy list (his icon is his picture) when you’re not doing your work. I freaked out about this for a couple of weeks before I was merely encouraged to block him. A bold strategy, we’ll see if it pays off for me.

I can take comfort in a few things, though. At least when I need to vomit, the bathroom is just a few feet away so I don’t risk permanent damage to any of the library’s collections. The weather is starting to get nice, so I can begin to procrastinate on the front lawn instead of being holed up here in the library. And when my advisor tries to participate in my orals via iChat and asks a damning question, I can just pull the Ethernet cord. How many seniors have that advantage?

God, I’m fucked…

QuestLog

An Homage to Bill Simmons

12:45 – I pick up Quest from library lobby. God I’m so excited.

12:55 – I arrive at my seat and begin reading. The headline is “Those Bastards!” I wonder if they are referring to the kidnappers of the Doyle Owl or their proofreaders who failed to realize that the “Dowl Owl” does not actually exist.

I also begin to realize that writing this log is going to require reading the Quest in its entirety, something I don’t think anyone has ever done (including the editors, apparently).

12:57 – Turns out the truck carrying the Doyle Owl was red. Someone reported to me that the truck was blue. Talk about a wet dream for Dan Reisberg. Memory errors everywhere…

12:58 – The “Puppy of the Week!” feature is quite possibly the best-written article I’ve ever seen in the Quest. Can we just eliminate the written features and include 8 pages of puppies? Would this not improve morale on campus? Why has nobody thought of this?

1:01 – I think rugby has the best vocabulary of any sport I’ve seen. They get to say things like “ruck”, “maul”, “scrum”, and “he got fucked up” on a regular basis. After watching a rugby game last weekend, I came to three conclusions: 1: I have no idea what the fuck is going on at any given point in a rugby match. 2: I never will. 3: Those guys would destroy me in less than thirty seconds. I’ll stick with Frisbee.

1:05 – So the SDS flags are sweet and all. I enjoy the concept visually. But has anyone pointed out that the statistics used to estimate Iraqi deaths were at the very high end of any statistics given? We’re protesting a war that was initiated on false pretenses by making a spectacle with conceivably false information. On the bright side, this is the first time that one sixth sounds better than three fifths. Way to avoid that compromise.

1:08 – I think I could go my whole life without seeing another picture of Carrot Top and be inconceivably happy. Someone make this happen.

1:10 – Shit. Class is about to start. Will have to postpone…

2:55 – An article tells me that there are problems with the drug war including imprisonment, wrongful search, and the targeting of minorities. Wow, the Quest really is a newspaper.

2:56 – All I can see remaining on this page is the CSO blotter. My feelings on the blotter are as such: I’d rather have a cystourethral catheterization than read it again this week. Blah blah blah Lebowski Reference blah blah blah haiku. Some shit happened. Just let us know what it was. Burning tampons sell themselves, so don’t make us plod through your musings. Thanks.

3:01 – A serious moment when I read the RAW Destruction article. What the fuck is wrong with campus right now?

3:03 – Massler’s assassin article is one of the most entertaining pieces I’ve ever seen in the Quest. It might even be better than the Puppy of the Week. The Pulp Fiction reference was a nice touch, and the conclusion brought it all home. At least four laugh out loud moments. Can we just let Jeremy Massler write all the Quest articles? I am sure he wouldn’t have a problem with this.

3:07 – Owl pictures. Bring out the fucking owl. It’s been too long.

3:14 – An incredibly daunting article about someone’s grandfather looks less appetizing than a McGriddle’s sandwich (see adjoining page). I skipped this one. It should be pointed out that for the first time in the history of food, we’ve finally found something that may taste better after it has been vomited up than when it was first made. Ah, McDonalds.

3:22 – After plodding through the Senate Beat, some article on bonding, music reviews, and Liebowitz’s opinion piece (which uses the word “opinion” at far too high a frequency), I have the following thoughts:

The Beat was well written. I’m glad to see Nick Silverman has found his purpose in the senate: “Motion to adjourn!” Keep it up, kiddo.

Mostly, I’ve just realized that I miss the old Quest.

You know, the days when people wrote articles for the sole purpose of bitching at one another, when humour pieces dripped with sarcasm instead of self-important ramblings, the days when the Doyle Owl actually came out for longer than 2 minutes in the afternoon on a motherfuckin’ Wednesday.

And please, if you’re going to write for the Quest, have a talk with Dan Reisberg about fluency. Using big words does not make you sound smarter. It makes you look like a fucking idiot. Fluency, baby.