QuestLog
An Homage to Bill Simmons
12:45 – I pick up Quest from library lobby. God I’m so excited.
12:55 – I arrive at my seat and begin reading. The headline is “Those Bastards!” I wonder if they are referring to the kidnappers of the Doyle Owl or their proofreaders who failed to realize that the “Dowl Owl” does not actually exist.
I also begin to realize that writing this log is going to require reading the Quest in its entirety, something I don’t think anyone has ever done (including the editors, apparently).
12:57 – Turns out the truck carrying the Doyle Owl was red. Someone reported to me that the truck was blue. Talk about a wet dream for Dan Reisberg. Memory errors everywhere…
12:58 – The “Puppy of the Week!” feature is quite possibly the best-written article I’ve ever seen in the Quest. Can we just eliminate the written features and include 8 pages of puppies? Would this not improve morale on campus? Why has nobody thought of this?
1:01 – I think rugby has the best vocabulary of any sport I’ve seen. They get to say things like “ruck”, “maul”, “scrum”, and “he got fucked up” on a regular basis. After watching a rugby game last weekend, I came to three conclusions: 1: I have no idea what the fuck is going on at any given point in a rugby match. 2: I never will. 3: Those guys would destroy me in less than thirty seconds. I’ll stick with Frisbee.
1:05 – So the SDS flags are sweet and all. I enjoy the concept visually. But has anyone pointed out that the statistics used to estimate Iraqi deaths were at the very high end of any statistics given? We’re protesting a war that was initiated on false pretenses by making a spectacle with conceivably false information. On the bright side, this is the first time that one sixth sounds better than three fifths. Way to avoid that compromise.
1:08 – I think I could go my whole life without seeing another picture of Carrot Top and be inconceivably happy. Someone make this happen.
1:10 – Shit. Class is about to start. Will have to postpone…
2:55 – An article tells me that there are problems with the drug war including imprisonment, wrongful search, and the targeting of minorities. Wow, the Quest really is a newspaper.
2:56 – All I can see remaining on this page is the CSO blotter. My feelings on the blotter are as such: I’d rather have a cystourethral catheterization than read it again this week. Blah blah blah Lebowski Reference blah blah blah haiku. Some shit happened. Just let us know what it was. Burning tampons sell themselves, so don’t make us plod through your musings. Thanks.
3:01 – A serious moment when I read the RAW Destruction article. What the fuck is wrong with campus right now?
3:03 – Massler’s assassin article is one of the most entertaining pieces I’ve ever seen in the Quest. It might even be better than the Puppy of the Week. The Pulp Fiction reference was a nice touch, and the conclusion brought it all home. At least four laugh out loud moments. Can we just let Jeremy Massler write all the Quest articles? I am sure he wouldn’t have a problem with this.
3:07 – Owl pictures. Bring out the fucking owl. It’s been too long.
3:14 – An incredibly daunting article about someone’s grandfather looks less appetizing than a McGriddle’s sandwich (see adjoining page). I skipped this one. It should be pointed out that for the first time in the history of food, we’ve finally found something that may taste better after it has been vomited up than when it was first made. Ah, McDonalds.
3:22 – After plodding through the Senate Beat, some article on bonding, music reviews, and Liebowitz’s opinion piece (which uses the word “opinion” at far too high a frequency), I have the following thoughts:
The Beat was well written. I’m glad to see Nick Silverman has found his purpose in the senate: “Motion to adjourn!” Keep it up, kiddo.
Mostly, I’ve just realized that I miss the old Quest.
You know, the days when people wrote articles for the sole purpose of bitching at one another, when humour pieces dripped with sarcasm instead of self-important ramblings, the days when the Doyle Owl actually came out for longer than 2 minutes in the afternoon on a motherfuckin’ Wednesday.
And please, if you’re going to write for the Quest, have a talk with Dan Reisberg about fluency. Using big words does not make you sound smarter. It makes you look like a fucking idiot. Fluency, baby.
12:45 – I pick up Quest from library lobby. God I’m so excited.
12:55 – I arrive at my seat and begin reading. The headline is “Those Bastards!” I wonder if they are referring to the kidnappers of the Doyle Owl or their proofreaders who failed to realize that the “Dowl Owl” does not actually exist.
I also begin to realize that writing this log is going to require reading the Quest in its entirety, something I don’t think anyone has ever done (including the editors, apparently).
12:57 – Turns out the truck carrying the Doyle Owl was red. Someone reported to me that the truck was blue. Talk about a wet dream for Dan Reisberg. Memory errors everywhere…
12:58 – The “Puppy of the Week!” feature is quite possibly the best-written article I’ve ever seen in the Quest. Can we just eliminate the written features and include 8 pages of puppies? Would this not improve morale on campus? Why has nobody thought of this?
1:01 – I think rugby has the best vocabulary of any sport I’ve seen. They get to say things like “ruck”, “maul”, “scrum”, and “he got fucked up” on a regular basis. After watching a rugby game last weekend, I came to three conclusions: 1: I have no idea what the fuck is going on at any given point in a rugby match. 2: I never will. 3: Those guys would destroy me in less than thirty seconds. I’ll stick with Frisbee.
1:05 – So the SDS flags are sweet and all. I enjoy the concept visually. But has anyone pointed out that the statistics used to estimate Iraqi deaths were at the very high end of any statistics given? We’re protesting a war that was initiated on false pretenses by making a spectacle with conceivably false information. On the bright side, this is the first time that one sixth sounds better than three fifths. Way to avoid that compromise.
1:08 – I think I could go my whole life without seeing another picture of Carrot Top and be inconceivably happy. Someone make this happen.
1:10 – Shit. Class is about to start. Will have to postpone…
2:55 – An article tells me that there are problems with the drug war including imprisonment, wrongful search, and the targeting of minorities. Wow, the Quest really is a newspaper.
2:56 – All I can see remaining on this page is the CSO blotter. My feelings on the blotter are as such: I’d rather have a cystourethral catheterization than read it again this week. Blah blah blah Lebowski Reference blah blah blah haiku. Some shit happened. Just let us know what it was. Burning tampons sell themselves, so don’t make us plod through your musings. Thanks.
3:01 – A serious moment when I read the RAW Destruction article. What the fuck is wrong with campus right now?
3:03 – Massler’s assassin article is one of the most entertaining pieces I’ve ever seen in the Quest. It might even be better than the Puppy of the Week. The Pulp Fiction reference was a nice touch, and the conclusion brought it all home. At least four laugh out loud moments. Can we just let Jeremy Massler write all the Quest articles? I am sure he wouldn’t have a problem with this.
3:07 – Owl pictures. Bring out the fucking owl. It’s been too long.
3:14 – An incredibly daunting article about someone’s grandfather looks less appetizing than a McGriddle’s sandwich (see adjoining page). I skipped this one. It should be pointed out that for the first time in the history of food, we’ve finally found something that may taste better after it has been vomited up than when it was first made. Ah, McDonalds.
3:22 – After plodding through the Senate Beat, some article on bonding, music reviews, and Liebowitz’s opinion piece (which uses the word “opinion” at far too high a frequency), I have the following thoughts:
The Beat was well written. I’m glad to see Nick Silverman has found his purpose in the senate: “Motion to adjourn!” Keep it up, kiddo.
Mostly, I’ve just realized that I miss the old Quest.
You know, the days when people wrote articles for the sole purpose of bitching at one another, when humour pieces dripped with sarcasm instead of self-important ramblings, the days when the Doyle Owl actually came out for longer than 2 minutes in the afternoon on a motherfuckin’ Wednesday.
And please, if you’re going to write for the Quest, have a talk with Dan Reisberg about fluency. Using big words does not make you sound smarter. It makes you look like a fucking idiot. Fluency, baby.
posted by Fish at 12:28 PM
2 Comments:
The Quest is bullshit, yes. But so is UCSD's The Koala (www.thekoala.org). At least the Koala can boast that it is online. Why won't Reed share it's humor and campus news with me?
-Ben Greenspan
The published response to my log:
QuestLog Log
An Homage to Ian Fisher
By Adrian Chen
0800 hours - I wake up and prepare myself a hearty breakfast. God I’m so excited.
12:44, March 21st, 2007 A.D. - I check the Quest email account. An Article from Ian Fisher. God I’m so excited.
12:55 - I sit down and begin proofreading the article, whiskey and joint in hand. Yep, we were definitely referring to our idiot proofreaders there, Ian. Those fucking bastards. God I’m so excited. And stoned.
Also I think to myself, Why did the only article we decided to copyedit for this issue have to be a mean one? Note to self: Edit no articles next issue.
12:57 – “Talk about a wet dream for Dan Reisberg.” I like this, but maybe too subtle? I’m worried readers just won’t get it. Could he maybe be masturbating into a cup? And did we run this by Dan Reisberg?
12:58 – It’s kind of weird that Ian says that Puppy of the Week was the “best written feature” in the Quest. I mean, it was awesome. That puppy was so cute. But it was just a photo. There wasn’t any writing whatso—wait a minute…. Hey!
1:01 – After watching an Ultimate Frisbee game last weekend, I have come to one conclusion: 1: any sport that needs an “ultimate” in front of it to sound cool shouldn’t be a sport (Baseball = “ultimate catch”?). I think I’ll stick with croquet.
1:05 – I’m not exactly sure what this means (fractions are hard!), but I like the fact that it’s making fun of someone besides the Quest. Keep it.
1:08 – [picture of carrot top]
1:10 – Shit. I’ve got to go to croquet practice. I shall return…
2:55 – Not only that, we’re “Reed’s only newspaper”!
2:56 – cysto-what cathet-huh? This guy uses big words. He must be smart. Also, he thinks musings are boring. I think that musings are annoying too. Maybe we should not print any more musings in the Quest. People might like pictures of puppies more than musings. But on the other hand, I think rugby is a weird sport. Shit. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. Be right back!
3:01 – It’s easy to ask “What the fuck is wrong with this campus?” without offering a concrete solution, Ian. Two words: More puppies.
3:03 – Jeremy Massler actually does write every article in the Quest, even this one. And he does a damn fine job at it, I might add.
3:07 – Bring out the Owl, indeed.
3:14 – Wow, I’ve been reading this article for over two hours! How is it taking me exactly as much time to read this article as it took Ian to write it? Two hours sure is a long time. I really liked that part about Dan Reisberg’s wet dream, though.
3:22 – Whew. After plodding through those last eight minutes, I have some thoughts:
Puppies are cute.
No more musings in the Quest.
But basically, I just miss the old Quest, where Reedies used to write shrill, ill-informed columns designed only to piss people off. Dudes, don’t you realize that what makes Reed unique is not our pretty skimpy store of knowledge, but our ability to use that knowledge to make complete asses of ourselves? It’s a little thing I learned about in Psychology class called “fluency.” Just ask Dan Reisberg about it, baby. Fucking love that man.
Post a Comment
<< Home