Emptiness

It's hard to get past the emptiness I have felt for the past few days. The biggest event of the semester, the Stanford Ultimate tournament has come and gone and now I feel as though I have nothing more to look forward to. I've spent the last three months, minimum, thinking about and preparing for this tournament. I was psyching myself up mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thought of the video footage we'd get, how I would edit it over spring break and the prospect of winning the whole fuckin' thing (in the words of Jake Taylor from Major League).

The greatest disappointment isn't that we lost the tournament or that the footage didn't come out as well as I would have liked. I don't mind Sunday's wind and rain or the pain I feel in both my feet, my right thigh, my ribs and my shoulder.

I'm really disappointed in how I personally prepared myself for the tournament mentally and physically. I'm a damn good ultimate player, but I put myself way ahead of where I actually am. I took my game for granted, felt like I would be able to run all over everyone there and that just plain didn't happen. My throws were off, my flicks were bladey, my backhands too floaty and my cutting was lukewarm at best. I realize that I just got lazy with ultimate. I set myself in a particular position on this team and was contented with beating up on the younger guys and being able to basically score at will in practice.

When other teams showed up with stronger marks and more aggressive styles of play, I crumbled. Looking back, I should have thought more about my release points and throws. It would have benefitted me to complete the Air Alert program and add 8 inches to my vertical leap. I should have been stronger, faster, and in better shape. I tapered off feeling like I was where I should be. I was nowhere near there.

I've never been affected by an athletic event like this before. In high school, I gave up 8 runs to Chandler High in 3 innings (included a 3-run homer to an eventual 1st round pick by the New York Yankees), but I left the game smiling and cheerful. There would be other days and other games. It wasn't the end of the world.

I turned the disc over 16 times in two games on Saturday and was point blocked 5 times. Four point blocks were in the crucial UCLA game in which we blew a 12-8 lead (game to 13) in the second half in which I had 6 turnovers. Why am I so upset? Because I should be the guy on this team that is dependable with the disc. I shouldn't turn it over and for all I talk about myself with ultimate and all I expect of my future with the game, this was a major setback. I feel like I jumped back to the rest of the field and most importantly, that I cost my team invaluable momentum and frankly, a chance at winning the tournament.

For the last two days I've been nearly sick over the UCLA game, my single worst performance in my sporting career. I've been playing sports since tee-ball at 7 years old and nothing compares to this. Oh well, it's fresh in my mind and now I have something to shoot for and something to improve on. I don't feel like this sickening feeling in my stomach will go away until our next tournament in two weeks.

Maybe then I can feel better about helping this team.